It’s been a very… emotional (for lack of a much better, more appropriate word that I can’t seem to think of right now) time between myself and Lamb over the past couple of weeks. A lot of being upset on my side as I thought about and experienced some things that I had to experience to be able to make certain realizations that really weren’t the best. We also had the closest thing to a “fight” that we’ve had so far in our seven-ish months together. And by “fight,” I mean that we were really just both upset at the same time.
Anyway, those are certainly things to come back to and elaborate on soon, when I have more time, but they weren’t entirely all bad in the end. They sucked and hurt and caused tears, for sure, but they also really opened up the lines of communication in ways that they hadn’t been before. It forced us to talk about things that had been relatively skirted around – his wife, marriage, and future being some of them – and really brought us to a point where we had to be honest.
Where I had to be honest, anyway. Not that I had been lying about anything before, but to be honest about things I was feeling that were really beginning to bother and hurt me. To the point where I had given serious thought about whether I was strong enough to be in an emotional and romantic relationship with someone that I will likely never have for myself.
Wow, and this post is definitely starting out as a bit more of a downer than I had intended it to be, especially considering the whole point of it!
As I was saying, that led to a lot of conversation over the span of a few days (through texting, which makes everything just a little more difficult to interpret), with us finally getting back to a good place again, having some of our issues finally addressed and figured out.
Feelings also somehow got brought up just over the past couple of days, with Lamb saying that “part of him” loves me. I asked what “part of” meant, not knowing whether he wasn’t sure of the feelings, or if it is was part of the greater whole of him loving his wife as well. Definitely a bit of an awkward conversation, especially as we discussed the latter. I’ve always tried very hard to be respectful of and pretty much avoid any conversation about his wife, for both his comfort and my own.
It did end with Lamb officially proclaiming an “I love you” to me, and me happily responding in kind. Because I do love him.
It’s such a crazy thing to think about: the random message and chatting on Hookup Website over seven months ago, the first meeting that was supposed to have just been for sex, and everything that had happened since. The weird bond and connection that we somehow seemed to find together, despite coming from vastly different ages, lives, and experiences. I never would have imagined myself genuinely developing such deep feelings from what was supposed to have been a random hookup, much less a married one.
Those three words were such an incredible thing to read and be able to type back. But it was even more amazing to be able to actually say them to each other face-to-face two days ago. Just the sincerity and softness…it’s making me smile just thinking about it.
I can honestly say that I have no idea what the future holds for us, and that the odds are we won’t have any sort of “happily ever after,” but right now I’m just going to enjoy the moment.