The L-Word

Well.

It’s been a very… emotional (for lack of a much better, more appropriate word that I can’t seem to think of right now) time between myself and Lamb over the past couple of weeks. A lot of being upset on my side as I thought about and experienced some things that I had to experience to be able to make certain realizations that really weren’t the best. We also had the closest thing to a “fight” that we’ve had so far in our seven-ish months together. And by “fight,” I mean that we were really just both upset at the same time.

Anyway, those are certainly things to come back to and elaborate on soon, when I have more time, but they weren’t entirely all bad in the end. They sucked and hurt and caused tears, for sure, but they also really opened up the lines of communication in ways that they hadn’t been before. It forced us to talk about things that had been relatively skirted around – his wife, marriage, and future being some of them – and really brought us to a point where we had to be honest.

Where I had to be honest, anyway. Not that I had been lying about anything before, but to be honest about things I was feeling that were really beginning to bother and hurt me. To the point where I had given serious thought about whether I was strong enough to be in an emotional and romantic relationship with someone that I will likely never have for myself.

Wow, and this post is definitely starting out as a bit more of a downer than I had intended it to be, especially considering the whole point of it!

As I was saying, that led to a lot of conversation over the span of a few days (through texting, which makes everything just a little more difficult to interpret), with us finally getting back to a good place again, having some of our issues finally addressed and figured out.

Feelings also somehow got brought up just over the past couple of days, with Lamb saying that “part of him” loves me. I asked what “part of” meant, not knowing whether he wasn’t sure of the feelings, or if it is was part of the greater whole of him loving his wife as well. Definitely a bit of an awkward conversation, especially as we discussed the latter. I’ve always tried very hard to be respectful of and pretty much avoid any conversation about his wife, for both his comfort and my own.

It did end with Lamb officially proclaiming an “I love you” to me, and me happily responding in kind. Because I do love him.

It’s such a crazy thing to think about: the random message and chatting on Hookup Website over seven months ago, the first meeting that was supposed to have just been for sex, and everything that had happened since. The weird bond and connection that we somehow seemed to find together, despite coming from vastly different ages, lives, and experiences. I never would have imagined myself genuinely developing such deep feelings from what was supposed to have been a random hookup, much less a married one.

Those three words were such an incredible thing to read and be able to type back. But it was even more amazing to be able to actually say them to each other face-to-face two days ago. Just the sincerity and softness…it’s making me smile just thinking about it.

I can honestly say that I have no idea what the future holds for us, and that the odds are we won’t have any sort of “happily ever after,” but right now I’m just going to enjoy the moment.

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“You Have The Right To Get Upset About These Things.”

This line was in a text response from Lamb a couple days ago – after I had sent him a rather long message about me being upset with him when we saw each other this week and trying to get over it – and I have been thinking about it ever since.

It has had me mulling that over and even questioning how true that really is. I mean, he’s not mine in any technical or legitimate way. But he does have a family that is very much legitimate. So, what right do I really have to complain about anything in this when it’s exactly what I signed up for? Not that I signed up for the feelings exactly – or anything beyond a quick hookup or casual partner – but does that really give me a right to be upset about anything that happens or doesn’t happen because of them?

I’m going to say yes.

But first, I’m going to go back and explain the catalyst for the text exchange that led to that comment: ever since the whole “dreaded calendar month” thing, and I’ve finally been able to see Lamb, we’ve been on a bit of a kick lately. Three times in three weeks, which was actually incredible and I’m disappointed that we’re going to have to wait a couple weeks again. Anyway, during our first hangout after that, we were having a nice time at the Horror Cafe, with us just chitchatting and playing Mario.

Then he started talking about us getting to see each other, and how the waiting is hard, and how it sucks scheduling our meetings around his kids’ work schedules too. He followed that with saying he was done worried about justifying his time on his days off to his kids, and that he was just going to go with a more simple “going out” approach so we would be able to spend a little longer together during our dates. It was a sentiment that came entirely out of nowhere, and I do have to admit that it felt pretty amazing to hear. Yes, I get the caution and not wanting to get caught, but him working to at least give us a bit more time felt great.

Fastforward to Tuesday morning when we were scheduled to hangout (our hangout-time plans even including a comment about his kids working and not noticing he was out, which I brushed off. We were still slated to have the longest date we’ve been able to have so far and I was still pumped.), and he had already texted me that he was running late by half hour-ish. No biggie. But then he followed that up with another text saying that his daughter’s shift had been cut short, so he would have to leave roughly an hour earlier than planned.

That was the part that wasn’t cool and made me upset.

I didn’t have that much time between his messages and his arrival, so I was a little reserved for the first few minutes, but quickly just fell into the moment. And we had an amazing time together – our intimate, cuddly time, and then finally having decent enough weather to go for a walk down at the park, holding hands and talking. Sitting on the rocks by the creek and resting my head against his shoulder. It was peaceful and damn near close to perfect (you know, minus the ants trying to crawl their way up my skirt!)

Anyway, due to some unfortunate car issues (hitting a pot hole, messing something up, and causing lots of smoke… followed by a flat tire a couple minutes later), the end of our date was kind of abrupt since that was the obvious priority. It also meant our usual, mushy texts about how great everything was were put off as well. Being the lover of routine that I am, I thought that was the main reason why I was feeling in a funk and upset after we parted ways. I’m usually on such a high for days after, so this change in our goodbye/aftercare must have been it. And I’m sure it was so some extent.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was upset because I felt like I was lied to. I have never asked Lamb to make those comments and assurances that he wasn’t going to explain his whereabouts to his kids for a couple hours. He made that offer entirely on his own, and I took it to heart. I got my hopes up and was hurt when literally the first opportunity he had to put his words into action, he deferred right back to before home before they are. It felt like: how could I ever truly look forward to anything with him?

Well, we have since talked about it and addressed it. It was kind of hard to explain to him exactly what was making me so upset about the situation, even though I painfully knew what it was. Even though the crux of it was feeling like he had gone back on his word, I still felt super uncomfortable and wrong because it happened to indirectly involve his daughter. I let those awkward feelings trump expressing how I was feeling and it made for a sucky couple of days until I finally told him everything. That led to him telling me, “You have the right to get upset about these things.”

As I said at the beginning of this entry, after thinking it over, I have come to agree with that. Yes, he is married and his wife and kids are going to come first. That’s a fact. But another fact is that I’m entitled to my own human emotions, regardless of the situation, so long as they’re dealt with in a healthy manner.

And yes, sometimes those feelings are going to have to do with things related to his family to some extent, and it’s going to be weird because of those relationships, but we do also have a relationship ourselves. Even though the “boyfriend/girlfriend” titles aren’t exactly accurate in any real-world sense, we’re still in a close human relationship together, and that includes all of the emotions that come with it. The elation and passion I feel are valid and real, as are the moments of insecurity, so the times I’m upset and hurt are just as important.

In recognizing that and accepting that those types of feelings and situations are going to pop up in any sort of relationship with Lamb, it’s actually made for better communication during the last day or so. We were both able see where the other was coming from, and help us move on in a way that would have otherwise festered within me. Now things are good, and I feel better and more secure in sooner sharing whatever else will inevitably arise.

Yay, communication!

Those Moments When It’s All Worthwhile

All of the waiting. All of the trying to mesh and rearrange schedules. All of those days when I wish I could even get just one more text. The times that do make it hard and make me start questioning my life choices up to this point.

The days like today make me forget all of that, and remind me exactly what drew me to him in the first place. Those silly moments and dorky jokes; the sparkling eyes and bright smiles as we look at each other; the passionate and steamy intimate moments. All of the qualities of each other’s that complement the others, and knowing that no matter what we say or do is free of judgement.

It really is such an amazing feeling, and I can honestly say that I never have been comfortable anyone in quite the same way as I have with Lamb. It’s just so easy and natural, and it feels so right.

I do know that I’m just riding the high off of an amazing date, and that I am going to come down and I’m going to inevitably start missing him again and waiting for the next day we have off together to come around (only have to wait a week again this time, which will make it three in a row~!), but I really am still feeling too much of a high to care right now.

Not only was the sex absolutely amazing – especially after coming from him having an emotionally bad day yesterday and mentioning last night that he didn’t think he would be up for anything more than cuddling today, which would have been absolutely understandable. It was just so… passionate and raw, him completely just taking charge and taking me. I mean, we have been playing with the Dom/sub sexual dynamic, but this was something different, and I think it was a bit of an emotional outlet for him after yesterday. In either case, it was incredible, and only made the moments after that even more incredible and made me feel even more connected with him.

I’m still kind of reserved in a sense when it comes to opening up with him, but that’s nothing new or anything to do with him personally, and today we addressed that. We actually did have a bit of mutual opening up, and also talked about that taking time and me explaining why. Even that was a pretty big step for me and I’m feeling good even just on that level.

Then we went to what has become our usual coffee shop – a horror-themed one in town – and just had so much light fun together. Playing Super Mario World (I think that’s what it was called, at least; something like that) on Super Nintendo, and realizing just how much we both suck at that game. But the trash talking between both of us losers was incredible, and just having coffee and sharing a dessert. It was just a regular, normal date, where nothing else existed but us for that little while. Plus, we made a plan for next week to tackle one of the many board games they have there, since it’s a shared interest we recently learned that we have.

After that was just a stroll around Walmart, since it had started to rain during our time at the coffee shop and we had been planning to wander a local park. Even that was nice and fun, and it’s always nice to be reminded just how much he loves to be affectionate in public. To feel him grab my hand while just wandering around, or rub my back and hips, or pull me in for a quick kiss. Just those moments of feeling like a real couple, if only for a little while. And then he gave me a notebook, which is probably the best thing I could ever ask for from him. Even if it is Harry Potter, haha.

It really was a perfect day, and it’s been a while since we had a truly perfect day together. It gives me more faith in his new schedule and the promises of things being able to work out more.

I’m feeling more optimistic tonight than I have for quite a while now. ❤

Dreaded Calendar Month II: Electric Boogaloo

Well.

It came down to the wire – as in, just found out today that the stars would finally align – but Lamb and I were able to work out a date for us before the month was over. Our availability finally matches on Tuesday, which is definitely cutting it close, but I am so excited!

As I said in my last entry about this, I’m not sure why exactly a calendar month feels like the point of no return to me. I mean, waiting at all is tough enough, especially once feelings get involved, but I’ve had to wait long periods before. Maybe not quite to the point of being thirty days, but still relatively close. That was spread between two months, which I guess kind of what a continuous stretch it was.

Now here’s just hoping that this isn’t exactly becoming a habit, because having to wait even half of that time drives me crazy. And not a way to adequately maintain any type of decent relationship. Things have finally settled back down with his work schedule, so we’ll see what happens.

Right now I’m just thrilled it’s only three more days!

Cheating on a Cheater?: Update

Well, when I left off last, I was completely undecided (though pretty officially decided) about the possibility of a coffee date/meeting with older, married man Pete. That coffee was supposed to have happened on Monday and this whole thing was supposed to have been over by now.

In fact, it was. Sometime Sunday evening. That was when Pete messaged me on KIK to tell me he wasn’t feeling it. Okay, fair enough. And an absolutely perfect out for my cowardly self to not have to make a decision or reject anyone. Until he messaged me yesterday morning, and we started talking a little again. Talked about why he said he wasn’t feeling it (kind of the same reasons I wouldn’t have been interested in him too much, even without Lamb), and then rescheduled a possible meeting for tomorrow. Also, much like on Sunday, I greatly overestimated just how long two days were.

Which basically leaves me in the same position as when I last posted.

Not entirely, though.

I mean, I am still feeling a shred of indecision about going through with meeting Pete. I do know that I don’t want to betray my feelings for Lamb, but there will always be that “what-if” while the door is open with Pete. However, I also learned more about just what it was about Pete and his situation that… put me off, for lack of a better word, compared to the other married men that I’ve chatted with.

The biggest thing would have to be, and it feels as stupidly hilarious to type as it is: his wife. Well, not just his wife – like not her existence or anything, or anything related to her as a person – but just the way that he talked about her. And that he always talked about her.

I mean, it’s a subjective matter between each affair couple what they feel comfortable talking about and hearing about, and for me personally, hearing about the wife has never been a comfortable topic for me. Even before I randomly ended up with two back-to-back married men and was “exploring” with multiple partners and FWBs and whatnot, I was never the one who wanted to hear about my partner’s other exploits while we were together. Something that always made it a tad awkward when my partners would get-off on hearing about my conquests, and then get frustrated when I still maintained that I don’t want to hear it,

Anyway. No baggage there at all, haha.

But, at least for me personally, it’s always super weird to hear about. Whether it be with the first married guy I was “with” for six months, who seldomly mentioned his wife, and when he did it was saying that they were fighting or bitching about something that she didn’t do. Or the one who I played with a couple of times, but talked a lot about how bad he felt for his wife, how he didn’t want to hurt her (then don’t fuck other women…?), and how bad his wife’s Chrons was. Or even Lamb, who avoids talk of his wife for the most part. He mentions overall family stuff, but hasn’t mentioned her much specifically, and the one time he really did, quickly seemed to catch it could be awkward and cut it short with “she’s a nice lady.”

So, yeah, pretty much some form of weirdness no matter how you slice.

And with Pete, it was different from them all.

First off, he made the mistake of giving me his full name when I had mentioned that I’d Google’d a man before meeting his at his hotel room before; Pete had commented how risky that was, and I said how I had been able to email the guy in a manner that made me feel he was legit. He even had some newspaper articles linked to an email scandal with the Liberals that he had been a part of. Good times.

Anyway, Pete had asked a couple times if I had Google’d his full name that had had given me, and eventually I meant for it. I didn’t really do much, just scrolled his Twitter a little after seeing a pic match what I had seen of him. But I also saw the posts dedicated to his wife, and calling her the “love of his life” and other such things. I know that social media is just pretty much people showing you what they want you to see, but that was such a running theme and it was, well, sad.

It also matched up with the way he spoke about her to me, too. He found a way to mention her at least one every day that we spoke – and a lot of it revolved around their failed sex life. This is taking anything he’s telling me with a grain of salt compared to what the truth couple possibly be: his wife is unhappy with her body shape, doesn’t like to be touched in most intimate places, and the odd time they do get sexually it usually ends up being more mutual masturbation.

See, and I shouldn’t know these kinds of details about a relative stranger’s martial bedroom.

And I think that was just it: I could feel more of the marriage than of the relative. He really feels like (or, at least, comes across as) a man that is still deeply, happily in love with his wife, and wishing that the sex he was missing could be with he instead. He’s said to me more than once how much he wishes he could have sex with her.

And that shit’s heartbreaking.

Granted it was only like a year and a half, but I’ve done the sexless relationship thing and it sucks. It was a big reason why I ended that relationship. But I just can’t see that being a good reason to be someone’s affair partner in one.

I still haven’t fully figured out what reasons I consider “valid” to my own personal, arbitrary logic, but that one just makes me a little uncomfortable. I guess because the stereotypical married man is looking for a fantasy away from his wife, and not wishing to act out a fantasy he would rather with his wife. It just makes it feel cheap and wrong for everyone.

And yet, I still haven’t said no to tomorrow. I know I’m not doing to go through with it, though. As much as I don’t owe it to Lamb, per se, I’m comfortable and happy overall with what I’ve got as it works for me, and a pointless romp isn’t going to help anything.

You know, or so I say now.

Cheating on a Cheater?

Okay, so despite anyone’s personal opinion or justification, the universal consensus seems to be that cheating on one’s partner is an inherently wrong and immoral act. Most religions believe it to be a sin; some countries make it punishable by imprisonment or death. It has the potential to hurt countless people, and yet seems to be something done to people by those who are supposed to want to look out for them the most.

In fact, I spent a very long time adamant that I would never be one those selfish, vapid, whatever! women that was desperate enough to settle for someone else’s man. I turned down advances from countless married men online, sometimes having to get quite, ahem, frank about my reasoning if they tried to argue my feelings on the matter. Lamb is the second married man that I’ve really been with, and the one before him – a six month affair that is its own ranty post for another day – took a long time to wear me down where I was willing to give him a chance.

And also to satisfy a purely selfish fantasy of a man going back home to his wife after fucking me. But anyway.

So, when the underlying feelings about adultery and the individuals who commit it all skew towards them being nothing but horrible people committing these unspeakable acts, it could definitely be easy to argue or justify why cheater’s would deserve to have the same thing happen to them.

Because two wrongs invariably make a right, right?

Wow, and that was a mighty and needlessly verbose introduction to the whole point of this post, which is: is it justifiable to cheat on your married affair partner, because they themselves are doing the same thing to their spouses? And can it even really be called “cheating” when you’re not even their actual spouse to begin with? Can any agreements between the two of you be expected to holdup stronger than marriage vows?

I’ve actually been asking myself versions of those questions over the last couple of weeks, as I’ve struggled with the changes in Lamb’s schedule that have made our dates far less frequent. I started missing the contact, and feeling like my needs weren’t being met, so I did the same thing led him to me in the first place: I started chatting on AFF and whatnot a few times again.

I’ll leave the obvious fact that I somehow avoided just being an adult and communicating my feelings and issues with Lamb instead for another post.

Anyway, much didn’t come of my chatting; I wasn’t really wanting to chat with and meet other men. I just missed Lamb and was trying to fill that void with something else in the meantime. And, even though I was the one to originally say that I didn’t want to sleep with anyone else personally after he said he would be okay with me fucking other men (I have an inkling that his feelings on this matter may have changed a bit, however, especially after telling me that he doesn’t want sex with his wife anymore), I still felt like I was cheating in a way. I did feel a little bad, but the chitchat was keeping me in contact with someone when Lamb was unavailable

Then I actually moved to exclusively chatting to one guy on KIK, Pete. And, very much in the pattern that I have seem to found myself stuck in lately, he’s married. He’s mid-50’s, retired, and living in the next town over. We chatted and are still chatting, both sexually and just random daily chitchat. We’ve exchanged some pics and whatnot, and he’s told me a little about his life and his marriage situation. If it’s true – which is always a big if – it’s a very… pitiful situation to cover another day. It’s also pitiful enough to be a little bit of a turn off, as well.

But he still seems alright and has been weirdly interesting to learn about. Not to mention, has some very fun-sounding daddy/daughter kinks, which I’ve always wanted to explore more with, and it’s a strange thrill to know that I’m the same age as his middle son. I think it could definitely be a hot fuck, if nothing else. But I just don’t know.

We were supposed to meet on my last day off, but I messaged him super early that morning with the lie that I had been called into work. I just hadn’t been able to bring myself to do it, especially knowing that things would likely get sexual on that meeting. So, for whatever reason, I said yes to reschedule with him for sometime during this upcoming week since I’m off work on holiday. Even then, the only availability that worked for both of us was/is tomorrow morning and all day Tuesday. Days that seemed like so far in the future when I booked them last week.

The meeting tomorrow is supposed to be more… low-key, I guess. Mostly just coffee and not too much else, with Tuesday being a dedicated play date. It all sounds fun and exciting in chat and in theory – and would definitely be a boost in my rather infrequent sex life – but I still really don’t think I can do it. It just feels too much like cheating to me, I guess, which seems silly in the grand scheme of mine and Lamb’s relationship. It was also the catalyst for this post today; I was hoping to gain some kind of insight from seeing the words in front of me.

And, do you know what? I kind of did, in a suitable enough way. The line between cheating and not and be blurry and subjective sometimes – with boundaries varying among couples and situations – and being in a relationship with a married man doesn’t necessarily come with the boundaries as a spouse. That could blur those lines even more. So, I guess the best way to do it is to just listen to and trust how I’m feeling. My feelings are equally as valid as anyone else’s in this, and I deserve to look out for my own happiness too.

And, at least at the moment, I’m happier with the quality over the quantity. Of being able to have what I have with Lamb – the amazingly close and intimate moments – and trying to focus more on my own life and interests in the meantime. I don’t need anyone else to fill the void.

Which is all easy enough to say, but I still have’t cancelled tomorrow’s coffee meeting yet. Hooray, indecision.

The Dreaded Full Calendar Month

Okay, so obviously these types of relationships aren’t exactly known for specializing in seeing each other daily, or even talking to each other daily. Some days – a recent-ish example being when Lamb went on holiday to Cuba with his family – getting even a single text message in a day can feel damn near miraculous. And knowing that there was actual, conscious thought to make sure that I received a text every single day he was there was just as incredible in its own right.

Anyway, I’ve been remarkably fortunate with Lamb that we have literally been able to be in contact every single day since we have started chatting seriously with each other at the end of last year. And, more days than not, there’s been a steady stream of texts as we go about our days. Maybe not always the deepest conversation, but still checking in and seeing how the other is doing. What they’re up to. Reminding the other that they’re on our mind and being missed. Throw in some heart and kissy emotes and most days that level of contact is able to make me swoon. It’s enough to make me feel close and connected and like I actually mean something to Lamb, and that our relationship is valid.

Of course, there are those days – notably weekends when the whole family is together – where communication is more of a slow trickle, but still usually enough to keep things going and really kind of keep our relationship going while he’s about his other martial/family ones. Unless, of course, that slow trickle is all about the picking out, picking up, and assembling his new IKEA martial bed, but I digress.

But that’s only texting, maybe with the odd picture or rare KIK video thrown in. That’s not being in any kind of real-time contact. That’s not talking on the phone, or a quick FaceTime/Skype, much less actually being together in person. And seeing as how our one hilariously, frustratingly bad-connected cam attempt failed as it began and we have yet to talk on the phone, that only leaves me with the in person portion of that.

As I acknowledged above, in the very first sentence of this post, I think: I know that I can’t see him everyday. That would be beyond unreasonable, and quite frankly, more than I want to see most people anyway. I’m also aware that being in this situation – being the part of his life that is incompatible with any other part – means that his ability to see me won’t be a number one priority, or if at all a priority sometimes. And I know that there are more variables that make his schedule more susceptible to change than trying to make plans with a single man.

But fuck, we are forecasting to hit a full calendar month of not being able to see each other. I know that may sound kind of hasty to see this early into the month, but his in-transition work schedule and the days he has off take all availability off the table until the last week of the month. And with how carefully planned out everything has to be in advance so far, I don’t have a lot of faith in being able to pull something together during that last week of the month, while he’s also starting the first week of a new schedule. So it likely won’t be until the beginning-ish of June. No biggie, right?

I mean, after all, I’m no stranger to having to wait between dates. While we were luckily able to see each other pretty much weekly during our first month or two, it’s been once/maybe twice a month for the few months since. Generally averaging every three weeks or so. Hell, even that has been incredibly hard to wait sometimes, even with being able to text daily in the meantime, so pushing it to four weeks or longer is making me anxious at the thought. And there is just something about the full month of May passing that is really just internally freaking me out.

There is just something about a full calendar month – being able to flip the page on it altogether – that feels like some kind of irredeemably long time. Like, it’s the official amount of time that procrastinators push things off until before abandoning it altogether. It’s so easy to bleed into two months, and then three. The longer it is, the easier it is to do.

Okay, and I do absolutely and logically know that lapse in time isn’t likely to turn into some eternal-brushoff. I really do. Especially when it’s his schedule that is the reason for the irregularity. Lamb has even said himself that it really is about me being okay with and able to handle the irregularity of this.

Then again, that was before we were getting into month lapses.

But even if it does hit June 1st and I haven’t seen Lamb during the entirety of May, it’s not like the world is going to end. I mean, even if it hits July 1st. I may be right in my slightly-insecure notion that absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder; it only makes it forget. But it still won’t be the end of the world.

This is one of those very few times that being painfully aware that these types of relationships come with an expiration date actually helps. Even though deep down I do have the irrational hope of never reaching that date.

Then again, ask me any of that again at the end of the month.